Thursday, June 8, 2017

Survival of Trauma is not a coincidence

survivor guilt

feelings of guilt for having survived a catastrophe in which others died.

  I think that when you talk with people or families who have had a loved one to survive such a trauma that there is a feeling of relief. Likewise, there also can be a tremendous feeling of guilt. There is always a feeling of wow why did I survive instead of that person? Why does one person live or certain people live and not others?

survivor guilt definition

A deep sense of guilt, combined often with feelings of numbness and loss of interest in life, felt by those who have survived some catastrophe. It was first noticed among survivors of the Holocaust. Survivors often feel that they did not do enough to save those who died or that they are unworthy relative to the perished.

  This is apparent in mass disasters or major events of death. Plane crashes etc.  Most often you hear it termed as Survivors Guilt.  If allowed to manifest it can even turn into Survivor's Syndrome.

survivor syndrome

a characteristic group of symptoms, including recurrent images ofdeath, depression, persistent anxiety, and emotional numbness,occurring in survivors of disaster.

We certainly had a strange interpretation of this in that something very similar happened. We were overjoyed our child was alive. Bless God. God spared her and the agony of us not going through the worse possible outcome.  We didn't go through death.  We did however have another infant in the room next to us. That that family's baby suffered a severe reaction to the vaccines also.  Our daughters nurse told us about the baby next door. Same age, same clinic, everything.  

Imagine. I won't forget ever this picture of death in my mind.  We were happy with our broken baby.  How were we spared and the other family not?  I don't know but God does.  Our purpose at that very time was to remain walking in Faith. Praying. And believing.  

I won't forget moving to that room after spending probably hours in the emergency trauma room. Appropriately the room from Hell depending on how you look at it. Its where you should take the scripture of the eye of the needle very seriously.

I remember getting to the room going through the admission sheet for our daughter and just being and living in a daze. She was sedated because of the seizures massive doses of seizure medication which we would learn later she would have a reaction to.  The nightmares seemed to never end. 

I remember the nurse telling us how she was so shocked that this never seems to happen but that night two babies in rooms next to one another. One baby went to be with God the other one stayed on this earth to serve God. 

At the time I just remember being numb.  We asked about the baby I believe the next day I can't tell you because I was numb. I was paralyzed. Im sure my husband and older daughter ( 5) were there but honestly I can't remember seeing them. 

it was my state of mind. ( Survivors Guilt ).  I was so thankful our baby is alive. So thankful to God that she has survived. I never thought of what lay ahead. It honestly didn't matter. As long as she is alive.  It wasn't necessary to me to think about the future events of this or outcome at all. She had passed death. 

We asked sometime I think the next day about the other infant.  The nurse told us that baby didn't make it. The baby had passed away. We were in such a fog of events that we didn't know. We didn't see any family next door we didn't hear anyone next door. It was silence. Deafening silence.  

I felt so horrible. That poor family. I began to think oh my God that could have been our Abigaile. I began to weep for the other family.  My heart. My heart was vulnerable to their hurt. Imagine this is how God feels for us. When we have trauma. Hurt.  He isn't without emotion. In fact when He works is when we are weak.  

We were finally released from the hospital.  Days, Weeks, months and now years have gone by.  

Why did we live ? Why did our daughter live? So she can serve God on this earth.  To give people Hope in God that God does heal.  

We stand on the word of God. This has been our family's scripture and our daughters healing scripture that we stood on. It is working #FAITH#LOVE#HOPE

Isaiah 53:5New American Standard Bible (NASB)

But He was [a]pierced through for our transgressions,

He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our [b]well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.
Prayer: Lord we come to you in time of sickness, wounded and in need. Lord we need healing in this land. But before we can heal the land we must heal the people. We will only have a well people when we start sowing into them healing. We sow into them love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. These Father are the gifts that you have bestowed and blessed us with. We can not win a war without love. Amen 

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