Survival of Trauma is not a coincidence

survivor guilt

• Word Origin 

noun, Psychiatry.

1.

feelings of guilt for having survived a catastrophe in which others died.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/survivor-guilt

  I think that when you talk with people or families who have had a loved one to survive such a trauma that there is a feeling of relief. Likewise, there also can be a tremendous feeling of guilt. There is always a feeling of wow why did I survive instead of that person? Why does one person live or certain people live and not others?

survivor guilt definition

A deep sense of guilt, combined often with feelings of numbness and loss of interest in life, felt by those who have survived some catastrophe. It was first noticed among survivors of the Holocaust. Survivors often feel that they did not do enough to save those who died or that they are unworthy relative to the perished.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/survivor-guilt

  This is apparent in mass disasters or major events of death. Plane crashes etc.  Most often you hear it termed as Survivors Guilt.  If allowed to manifest it can even turn into Survivor's Syndrome.

survivor syndrome

• Word Origin 

noun, Psychiatry.

1.

a characteristic group of symptoms, including recurrent images ofdeath, depression, persistent anxiety, and emotional numbness,occurring in survivors of disaster.

We certainly had a strange interpretation of this in that something very similar happened. We were overjoyed our child was alive. Bless God. God spared her and the agony of us not going through the worse possible outcome.  We didn't go through death.  We did however have another infant in the room next to us. That that family's baby suffered a severe reaction to the vaccines also.  Our daughters nurse told us about the baby next door. Same age, same clinic, everything.  

Imagine. I won't forget ever this picture of death in my mind.  We were happy with our broken baby.  How were we spared and the other family not?  I don't know but God does.  Our purpose at that very time was to remain walking in Faith. Praying. And believing.  

I won't forget moving to that room after spending probably hours in the emergency trauma room. Appropriately the room from Hell depending on how you look at it. Its where you should take the scripture of the eye of the needle very seriously.  https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+19%3A24-26&version=NASB

I remember getting to the room going through the admission sheet for our daughter and just being and living in a daze. She was sedated because of the seizures massive doses of seizure medication which we would learn later she would have a reaction to.  The nightmares seemed to never end. 

I remember the nurse telling us how she was so shocked that this never seems to happen but that night two babies in rooms next to one another. One baby went to be with God the other one stayed on this earth to serve God. 

At the time I just remember being numb.  We asked about the baby I believe the next day I can't tell you because I was numb. I was paralyzed. Im sure my husband and older daughter ( 5) were there but honestly I can't remember seeing them. 

it was my state of mind. ( Survivors Guilt ).  I was so thankful our baby is alive. So thankful to God that she has survived. I never thought of what lay ahead. It honestly didn't matter. As long as she is alive.  It wasn't necessary to me to think about the future events of this or outcome at all. She had passed death. 

We asked sometime I think the next day about the other infant.  The nurse told us that baby didn't make it. The baby had passed away. We were in such a fog of events that we didn't know. We didn't see any family next door we didn't hear anyone next door. It was silence. Deafening silence.  

I felt so horrible. That poor family. I began to think oh my God that could have been our Abigaile. I began to weep for the other family.  My heart. My heart was vulnerable to their hurt. Imagine this is how God feels for us. When we have trauma. Hurt.  He isn't without emotion. In fact when He works is when we are weak.  

We were finally released from the hospital.  Days, Weeks, months and now years have gone by.  

Why did we live ? Why did our daughter live? So she can serve God on this earth.  To give people Hope in God that God does heal.  

We stand on the word of God. This has been our family's scripture and our daughters healing scripture that we stood on. It is working #FAITH#LOVE#HOPE

Isaiah 53:5New American Standard Bible (NASB)

But He was [a]pierced through for our transgressions,

He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our [b]well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.

Prayer: Lord we come to you in time of sickness, wounded and in need. Lord we need healing in this land. But before we can heal the land we must heal the people. We will only have a well people when we start sowing into them healing. We sow into them love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. These Father are the gifts that you have bestowed and blessed us with. We can not win a war without love. Amen 

There is No Return to Pre-Trauma

sur·vi·vor

sərˈvīvər/

noun

1. a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.

   "the sole survivor of the massacre"

   • the remainder of a group of people or things.

This unfortunately is a crutch of the survivors.  Not just the one who is injured or has been afflicted by the actual trauma.

the Bible even gives recognition to this.  When Jason fought God and left with a limp.  https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2032:22-32

Jesus also wounded with the Crown of Thorns and His being crucified. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+19&version=NASB

There are certain things that you have to go back to that are just life such as jobs, and day to day routines.  If you have a loved one or a family member that has been injured some of these routines won't even be normal.

Its okay though. Also if you have family members or friends that don't understand why you don't have a routine. Tell them to be thankful that they don't have your trauma.  It is good for people to wish you well. It is good for people to give of their time etc but you can not live your life again ever like it was prior to the trauma.  We have tried and all that happened is that we ended up being more frustrated. At least for my position in the trauma being a mother and full time caregiver. All of our scheduled changed.

I tried to make it normal and really it messed it up even more. With a daughter who doesn't have a normal schedule and you can't schedule seizures, messed beds, throwing up or all the other side effects of trauma.

Dont get frustrated. Ask family members to help you. If you are the full time caregiver for your child ask friends and family or let your husband take care of the child a few times at least a few hours to help with the stress of being in demand as a caregiver. Being a caregiver is hard work. Its demanding and tiring. Many times there is no pay. If friends don't know what to do. Write a list of things that would be helpful to your family. When someone asks how they can help. Give them a copy of your list. You never know how much someone can bless you.  I believe more people would help if they had a list.
Examples: that would have been help to our family.
1. Money or gift cards
2. Premade meals
3. Gas cards
4. Time sitting with our daughter so my husband and I could have an hour or two just to think.
5. Date night
6. Restaurant gift cards
7. If there are siblings ( playdates w/other kids) I can't tell you the burden I have and the guilt of our older daughter not being able to have sleep overs , play w/other kids and to be able to have done more activities. Ask someone to pick up your child and just take them away from the madness .
8. Friends or family take the Husband or wife out for coffee or lunch. Its nice just to have another adult to talk with. But please don't mention the stress. Remember this family needs as much to feel normal as they can.
9. Love them and pray for them.
10.  Offer to clean their home, clean their car, mow their lawns.  Take out their trash.

Yes redundant as it may seem all of these things really matter to a family who has suffered a trauma. We are in this trauma for Thirteen long years. We have receive a gift of money, gift cards, and a realtor and a dear friend at church who sat with our kids while we celebrated the one and only wedding anniversary we have gotten to celebrate.

Matthew 11:28-30New American Standard Bible (NASB)

28 “Come to Me, all [a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is [b]easy and My burden is light.”

My Prayer: Lord please take this Yoke from satan that keeps beating us down.  Stop the misunderstandings, the feeling of offenses when we are tired.  We know that Your Word Lord is sharper than a two -edged sword.  We can do all things through You Lord who strengthens us. Amen

 

Suffering - an opportunity for self- transformation

suf·fer·ing

ˈsəf(ə)riNG/

noun

1. the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.

   
   

   "weapons that cause unnecessary suffering"

First, you must stop being in denial.  I was in denial this could be happening. I had a little baby and she looked normal . My mommy instinct said that something wasn't right. My skills from previously working in nursing also said that something was not right.

Your fist step is to say - something is wrong. Once you do this. You are accepting your Trauma but it also gives you a sense of power over your situation.  Try not to pursue self- blame but I will tell you. It will happen. It happened with me. At the the best it should be a chance to refocus spiritually. 

We should give up all of our false Gods during this time. Stop putting our focus on anything but God. We should worship God alone. 

You will feel suffering during this time. It is part of the trauma.  You must do what you can do for survival mode. We all suffered really for years. We still suffer. It was something out of our control all we were doing was damage control. 

Do things you know to keep your body focused. Read the Bible and for us to spend time together as a family was really important during this time. 

We spent a lot of time searching for those pastors who spoke on healing. We still praise and worshipped God through all of this.  

It isn't to say that we still have the amount of suffering. It is a different type of suffering and some things we deal with better than others. Some things my husband deals with better than I do and I rely on his strength when this happens. Some things I deal with better than he deals with and he relies on me when this happens. When both of us crash our daughter now 18 is a great source to help get us through. 

I think we are all tired and weary and need rest. We have relied on one another until we are all empty.  

We need God and God is Rest. 

Matthew 11:28-30New American Standard Bible (NASB)

28 “Come to Me, all [a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is [b]easy and My burden is light.”

My prayer: Father God I long for rest. I long for rest from this suffering in this life. Lord please bring us nearer to You. Lord refresh our eyes and our spirit and open our eyes to opportunities for rest. God may we bless those who offer those opportunities to us. May we use them well.  Amen 

Trauma in families

trau·ma

ˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/

noun

1.  

   a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

   "a personal trauma like the death of a child"
2.  

   MEDICINE

   physical injury.

Trauma has been mentioned from the murder of Abel to the crucifixion of Jesus on the cross.

When we were initially going through this trauma I remember early on a day our daughter was having so many seizures. She was seizing so uncontrollably that I didn't know if I had slept, ate, went to the bathroom. I couldn't tell you what I did. 

What I remember is seeing my lifeless baby seizing again, grey and pasty looking all wrinkled up on the sheets. I remember weeping so hard. Just to write this breaks my heart. That trauma has never gone away.  To see my child hurting, not knowing if she was hurting. Just to see her little body and not knowing if she would be okay.  It really broke me. My husband at work. I prayed so much just for the hell of all this torment to be over. I wanted my normal family back again.  

Ill never forget feeling beside the bed and just asking God to please stop this nightmare over and over. I don't even know what our three year old remembers of this.  

My husband at work. I felt so alone. So hurt. I remember wondering. How did Abraham feel when he was asked to sacrifice Isaac? I couldn't bear the pain. Was this what God was asking of me? No. 

In fact from the very beginning God has always put on my heart that Abigaile is healed. So I felt in the back of my mind Abigaile is healed. Allen and I talked that God will use all these modalities to help heal her flesh. We tried medications to which she had major reactions. We felt helpless in this until we learned she was having allergic reactions to things in the medications . Then when it was time to start her on foods. She also had reactions to foods or some of the ingredients. 

We were walking in faith. God was always first. We prayed as individuals, as family and as needed. 

Abigaile didn't appear fixed yet. But Abigaile was doing well. 

God was working through us. We were happy when we weren't facing the trials in this trauma. 

And then when the trial was over we re-grouped with God and we kept walking, kept praying and kept believing.  

God Works through those of us who experience Trauma. Many times Allen and I have been able to talk with moms and dads and share our story. We both have a huge amount of issues that we have helped with. Allen was always telling people to contact me or call me. But really he has a very unique set of knowledge in his own area. 

He may not have always been in the medical support but I never doubted in that he couldn't care for Abigaile.  He had his own set of worries.  His position as provider was enough to be concerned. 

We have either done it, experienced it, or been able to point someone where they can get help for it. Isn't this being the hands and feet of Jesus?  

Isaiah 41:10New American Standard Bible (NASB)

‘Do not fear, for I am with you;  Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,

Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

My prayer:

Lord please strengthen us. Lord we ask that you remain the head of our families. That You raise up strong leaders of their homes. God please give the leaders and men of these homes strength in you. God may these families abide in you.  

Trauma - with God all things are Possible to them that believe

  What you are going to see is a "change of heart".  What you will also see on these pages are very real. This is a true story. It is about our little family from Northwest Arkansas who has been given a very big miracle from God.  

You see our family was cruising along just over 13 years ago walking in the faith of God. Happy go lucky. Feeling highly blessed and favored.  We had a beautiful little girl at the time was 3. We were ministering to a church (doing home church on the front porch and dedicated everything we owned to God).   

That is when the bottom fell out of our floor.  The things you see on these pages are very real.  I have gone back and deleted some of the sentences because they hurt me so bad. I can't imagine what they did to our families who read them. Im so sorry I had no where to go with my grief. So I thought was grief. It was actually our faith being tested. I see this now with new eyes.  

This blog and none of the others that I have were ever meant to sow such sorrow and pain. It grieves me. But Jesus has assured me that I am forgiven after the 2 almost 3 longest weeks of my life without my family.  

First of all Trauma is never an easy thing for anyone.  I thought as strong as my husband and I are and our faith and God first in our family that nothing could hurt us. 

I was so wrong. We are flesh and bones. They say that words can't hurt you but I assure you that words can, do and will hurt you.  I have seen sides of me that I don't care to ever see again. 

You see one trauma of our daughter , then money, house, cars, sickness. etc it all grows. It grows exponentially.  We were very strong in our faith and still managed it was difficult. Then lack of sleep, tired, no rest, then your faith becomes contaminated with fear.  

This blog when I went back and deleted just repetitive remarks. I failed to see that I was looking for consolation in people and friends and family - everyone but God. I only realize 13 years later after being forced to stop and realize that I should have gone to God first. 

I put such a tremendous burden on my husband all he could do was say STOP to me. Im going to go more into the faith walk that I have come to in all this on our FunIntheSonfamily blog.  

My poor husband the burden he tried to carry for our family and for me it was unbearable. It was unbearable to me and so I burdened him with it. Looking back I imagine it would have been wise for both of us to go to God instead of checking out of each others lives. I see this now. 

My husband is the most loving, caring and giving individual that I have ever met in my life. He is so easy going and gentle and just kind. I love these qualities about him. He has always supported our family. There were job issues when this happened though because our sight was on worry instead of God. God always provided for us and we didn't always see it. I think we knew it but just got to busy, life full of chaos. 

Im thankful he has always been hard working. A bit jealous though because I always wanted to spend more time with him. He enjoyed working I now see that was his time away from the trauma. 

I felt I never got to leave the trauma and felt overwhelmed in so many ways. I was so tired. I tried to find my rest in so many things. I wanted rest in my husband, my girls, food, anything but where I should have gone for rest. 

My husband and daughter always offered to do things for me. They helped clean, cook and do laundry. I didn't feel rested. I was appreciative . But it wasn't the rest I needed. I hope they can forgive me.

I started these blogs to give people courage and hope. I wanted to share what God has blessed our family with. Not discouragement. So Im going back where the devil stole from me, from us and Im re-writing this story. I continued to write worry and fear in my pages and thoughts because I got lost in the worry and fear. 

I had some time in the past couple of weeks to stop and rest. To put God first again. I went back and I have apologized and repented Ive asked forgiveness.  God has forgiven me and lifted such a burden from me.  

I failed to get back to the way created me. Spirit first, Soul next, and then my body.  I was lacking in all three. You can't find happiness in others but you can find Joy in God. It is a fruit of the spirit. 

I was hurting so badly I didn't want to see my family walking in hell anymore. I was so tired all I could say is that I was tired. I heard my husband saying the same thing. Our daughters Physician has always made the comment to us that his families unfortunately don't ever see the end of PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Now we continue to pray and ask God to bring restoration to each of us as Individuals, to our marriage, our children. God brings restoration to our families in Jesus name. 

Choose Life- Deut. 30:15-18

15 “See, I have set before you today life and [t]prosperity, and death and [u]adversity;16 in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His judgments, that you may live and multiply, and that the Lord your God may bless you in the land where you are entering to possess it. 17 But if your heart turns away and you will not obey, but are drawn away and worship other gods and serve them, 18 I declare to you today that you shall surely perish.  You will not prolong your days in the land where you are crossing the Jordan to enter [v]and possess it. 

So the next several blog posts will be about this journey. It really made a difference in me. I needed healed. I wanted so bad to help my family I even became burdened with their burdens. They felt controlled. I took on so much baggage that I didn't need to.  

So to all those who you felt misunderstood ( as I did) and offended, please forgive me as Jesus forgives you.  

Blessedness of Forgiveness and of Trust in God.

A Psalm of David. 

32 How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered!
2 How blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit!

3 When I kept silent about my sin, my [b]body wasted away
Through my [c]groaning all day long.
4 For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My [d]vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. [e]Selah.
5 I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I did not hide;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord”;
And You forgave the [f]guilt of my sin. Selah.
6 Therefore, let everyone who is godly pray to You [g]in a time when You may be found;
Surely in a flood of great waters they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble;
You surround me with [h]songs of deliverance. Selah.

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go;
I will counsel you with My eye upon you.
9 Do not be as the horse or as the mule which have no understanding,
Whose trappings include bit and bridle to hold them in check,
Otherwise they will not come near to you.
10 Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
But he who trusts in the Lord, lovingkindness shall surround him.
11 Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones;
And shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart.

In faith and love, 

Paris 

My Prayer: 

Matthew 11:28-30New American Standard Bible (NASB)

28 “Come to Me, all [a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is [b]easy and My burden is light.”

Our story

SEPTEMBER 2003   

Abigaile was born September 2003.  Abigailes mom had a perfect pregnancy no complications. Abigiale decided though when she was going to be born and seemed to be bottom first and breach. The Dr. decided that it would be best for mommy and baby to have a c-section. 

  The family was going through a house renovation at the time and mom was doing some last minute chores and at 3 am one Sunday morning mom was not going to go to sleep. Abigaile thought it was her time to make her entrance. So off to take big sister to a friends house and off to the hospital with mom and dad and soon to be Abigaile.  We arrived at the hospital, got checked in as c-section wasn't schedule for a few more days. I walked and made no progress so Dr. said it was time for emergency c-section. A couple of hours later on Sunday morning we had our sweet girl Abigaile. The family who was watching Natascha brought new big sister to hospital. 

  It was one of the last visits that I had with the OBGyn that he told me that my labs showed group B Strep. it was too late in the pregnancy however to give me antibiotics for it and he felt it might cause harm to the baby. This was relayed to the women's hospital where Abigaile was born.  Abigaile was a beautiful baby and her scores were 8 and 9 respectfully the Pediatrician said. They did give her a blow by of oxygen to pink her up a bit. We had done all the pre-registering for vitamin k drops, the Hep B at birth we had a birth plan. 

  Things started getting a little strange at this point. They kept Abigaile quite some time giving her a bath, doing the eye drops, giving the Hep b shot. It was dad who decided to go and hunt her down to see if everything was okay. Dad finally found her , he said they were doing labs,etc and that the nurse would bring her in soon. It was still quite some time, I hadn't been able to nurse her or anything yet. I really wanted to see my baby already.  Then they finally brought the little beauty in to my room. The nurse said that they would bring her in so that I could try and feed her but that there seem to be a problem with her labs they noticed this when giving her the Hep B, and Vit K drops and giving her a bath. Her counts were elevated and it appeared she was born group B Strep positive. They had to put her on piggybacks and fluids of antibiotics, and tried several different antibiotics. It seemed none were working and she had a elevated temperature they were trying to get down as well. She also was a bit jaundice after a couple of days and no one seemed to have an answer for this one.  It was after many antibiotics and 3 days later we went home.  

NOVEMBER 2003

  We went for next week visit at Pediatricians office and everything seemed to be going well. She was growing and doing well. It appeared she was hitting developmental milestones. She was eating, sleeping, and doing all the things that infants do. She was even sleeping 4 hours and waking and 4 more hours and waking.  It was time for 2nd well-baby visit on November 2003.  It was also time for more vaccines.  I felt strange about giving her the vaccines but had been taught and told by every Pediatrician and even in school that vaccines are safe for everyone.  I had this sick feeling but said you know her sister had them and she was fine. We didn't really notice anything out of the ordinary with this visit she seemed to be growing and doing well. I remember her being a little fussy but nothing really stood out to me. I'm pretty observant with my children and definitely over-protective ask anyone who knows me they will tell you. 

FEBRUARY 2004

  It was February and where had all the time gone. It was time for the 6 month vaccine It was a little early but the Pediatrician went ahead and gave the vaccines anyways. I remember feeling odd that day and didn't want to give her the vaccines. It was to the point that I wanted to cancel the visit. I took her sister with me. We went in, got he green sheet, pink sheet and the whole rainbow of sheets of each of the vaccines given at that visit. I had to sign and date each one stating that I got them. I then got copies once the shots were given and went home. I still felt ill about this. I got home gave my little one a bath because that is what germ-phoebic ex nursing personnel do to alieviate getting sick.  Abigaile was crying and she literally cried all day. She was inconsolable. It was no matter what I did, feed her, rock her, change her, nothing worked I was told to give her infant Tylenol.  There was nothing that would work though.  She would seem to get better then cry a lot. Her eyes seemed to be crossing and rolling a lot. The pediatrician would say to bring her in, I did but when I would get to the Pediatricians office she was like a car being taken to the shop, she wouldn't do anything. I knew something was wrong, I knew I wasn't seeing these things happen its just why wouldn't they happen around anyone else. It was over a period of time that I watched my baby swell, her head, her arms, her legs, I thought at first she was growing but it was soon confirmed when her dad would come home after working long hours . She wasn't sleeping, she would eat but it was like she was trying to over-eat. It was the kind where there is something wrong with a baby usually they are sick or something and they just want to suckle all the time that is what she was doing.  Here are some of the pictures of Abigaile during this time. We watched our baby swell uncontrollably during this time as we tried to find help as to what happened and how we could fix it. We really had no help anywhere. 

APRIL 3, 2004 Our lives changed at this moment...

 We had a couple of friends over, playing music on the piano and guitar. We were doing a Bible study. Abigaile was in her bouncy seat and sitting on the couch.  We heard this choking noise and couldn't figure what it was. We looked over at Abigaile and she appeared to be choking. We looked at her pacifier but it was bitten off, there was nothing else she could have gotten. I called 911 as she was turned blue. I grabbed the bulb syringe from upstairs and started suctioning her. She was becoming no responsive. It was the longest night ever. Our friends stayed with Natascha that night as Abigaile and I took a ride in the ambulance and we went to the hospital. A watch overnight in the hospital. The attending Physician in ER was also the Dr. whom was the head of the clinic that our Pediatrician was at. They did labs, cat scan, and the verdict was infantile spasms or seizures.  In a couple of days we went home. They seemed to think the infantile spasm would go away but they didn't.  It was a nightmare to try and sleep I was so afraid to go to sleep I was afraid my Abigaile wouldn't wake up.  She would scream this high pitched scream everytime we would do anything, we didn't even have to do anything. We were turning on light switches and Abigaile would scream. I also noticed her getting this grayish color, the color was going out of her skin color. On April 7 , 8 Abigaile would have another episode while friends were over and we would call the ambulance again.  This time would result in a 54 minute seizure. The Dr. would come in, assess her, but didn't not medicate her to try to stop the seizure. We would learn later from the the nurse that he didn't think Abgiaile was going to make it. Damn him how could he not medicate her to stop the seizure? At the same time our oldest daughter would start running a 103* temperature. We got on our knees and prayed right there as we were so scared we would lose our Abigaile and then we decided to fight for her life. This time she was admitted for 3 days. She would have seizures every time they would give her a piggyback for her IV and anything they gave her. My mom and my uncle by marriage his brother who was a Pastor came to see us. There was NO other family who came to see Abigaile. The phone calls to see how Abigaile was were made by Allen or I. My aunt would come to see us once we got home. She couldn't stand to see our little one this way. We were told it was not normal for a baby this young to have seizures and we were being given a referral for Arkansas Children's Hospital in Little Rock that we could drive there and meet with the head of Neurology to see what she felt about Abigaile and seizures. This was April 14- 17. The Dr saw Abigaile and was holding her, she wanted to measure her head size it was 54cm (the size of a normal 3 year olds head) except this baby was 7 months old. She took one look at her and admitted her to the Unit to monitor her. I'm glad to know we drove 3 1/2 hours, I think she should have been life- flighted. She would undergo a battery of tests, a spinal tap (that they requested I step out of the room they were not going to let me stay.) She had a MRI and a battery of metabolic tests and panels. They kept asking what was different in our little girls life, what did she have. The only thing she had was breast milk and we knew that wasn't it. The Neurologist and different members of the team would ask "Do you think its the vaccines?" to this day it still gives me chills and makes it easier. I didn't know what it was but I did know that I wanted it to stop. We ended up with a book dose of meds but know what was wrong. We had her Pediatrician to order PT, OT, and speech.  They were to call us once we went home. I didn't sleep, for days sometimes, I was exhausted. Allen would go to work and have little sleep.