How to let it all go

Footprints

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

It is not my will Father but Your will,

Love,

Your daughter 

Happy Birthday my beautiful princess

I wanted to wish my little girl a Happy Birthday.  I know princess that no matter where you are that your mommy loves you and Jesus loves you.

I remember that day September 7, 2003 just as if it were yesterday.

I had just finished painting the floors at the house on West End st and went to bed around midnight.  I went to sleep with your ultrasound and a magazine on my chest.

The outline of your ultrasound is still etched forever in my mind.  I can still see your eyes. They say that your eyes are a window to your soul and all I saw was clear all the way down in your little soul and you weren't even born yet.

I was so excited to be able to meet my princess that I couldn't sleep. I actually think I caused my self from excitement to go into labor.  I woke at about 3 am and just couldn't go back to sleep.  I wanted to see my new little princess so bad.

I eventually woke your dad up and told him I needed to go to the hospital and then we woke your sissy up and told her that we needed to go to the hospital.  We took Natascha to a friends house so she could play and spend the night while you made your way into this world.

You are born around 11 am and from that hour on your little life has been hectic.  I am so thankful that God gave you to me. You have made my life so complete.  I have admired how people have been so mean, haven't been in your life and you still love and show love no matter what.
You have given your mommy Joy in such a unique way that I can't even explain it.

I couldn't wait to see you. I know how excited I was to see Natascha as a baby and you were no less exciting.  You both made a grand entrance.  An emergency c-section is not something to laugh at.  I thought you were the most beautiful baby ever.

Your dad , Natascha and I had so much fun playing pretty , pretty princes waiting for you to come from the nursery.  It was so fun. Even going through the hell at that time we were not shaken.  Your dad sitting with his tiara and ear rings, and adorned like a princess. I wished we would have had enough money to have phones with cameras then so we could have take pictures.

I was so afraid when they told me that you weren't well. The major antibiotics, the tests and knowing you were going home with a bill-light I knew the liver was being over taxed. I just wanted you to be healthy.

Children and our family were more important then that phones.  Ill never forget we went to Sam's club to take a family picture. It was the last one we had taken right after you were born.  Last family photo was Fourteen years ago.  I kept choking and trying to hold back the tears scared to think that it might be your last photo.


I love you my beautiful princess and even though I don't know where you are right now your mommy misses so much it hurts and I love you. Your mommy wasn't given an option to be with you on your special day.  I will always love you my little princess. I hope God blesses your day today.

I would die for you,
love your mommy

Broken- ess

  bro·ken

ˈbrōkən/

verb

1. 1. 

   past participle of break.

adjective

1. 1. 

   having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.

   "a broken arm"

   synonyms:

   smashed, shattered, fragmented, splintered, crushed, snapped; More
2. 2. 

   (of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.

   "he went to his grave a broken man"

   synonyms:

   defeated, beaten, subdued;

   
   

     Have you ever felt broken?  Have you ever felt defeated?   

   
   

   Your love crushed when that relationship didn't work out like you thought it would? Leading to despair?  I think all of us have had these things happen at some point in our lifetime.  We have all felt these things. 

   
   

   Then we. feel beat up. Shattered. Beat.  Subdued?

    Then we feel shattered like we can't go on. We can't function.  We become paralyzed.  Pushing us into this never ending despair. 

   
   

   We have shattered dreams for one reason or another. Maybe God called us to do something and we decided to take our own plan with it and it needed for that time. 

   
   

   Maybe we got looked over for that job promotion. But then later a better job came along.  So we know that sometimes things in life happens.  That is completely out of our control.  One of those gut-wrenching things that we know that no matter what we try and do. Nothing we can do will make any difference. 

   
   

   This is what happened when our daughter was traumatic brain injured. My husband and I prayed so much I could not tell you if we ate, drank, slept or anything else. Those years of my life are such a blur. This is called Trauma. 

   
   

   The only thing that kept us from falling apart was prayer.  We used to joke with one another with the saying of " A family who prays together , stays together". I can tell you definitely that A family who prays together stays together because this is the way God designed us. When you stop praying together you lose your Headship of God.  

   
   

   When you go through any trauma and you don't maintain that prayer line with God. You can expect a disaster. A brokenness. 

   
   

   You see our daughter was broken during this time.  There were many decisions we made that I can't even tell you what they were right now. But I know praying that even sometimes when we felt insecure we still made decisions. We watched our daughter make little progress and then a lot of progress. We stopped depending on others decisions so much and even our own decisions and relied on God to get us through. And He did. 

   
   

   Our daughter had many seizures . Hundreds of seizures.  Per day every day. Her broken became our broken. Then became our family broken. We had others praying. Churches praying. Our home church praying. But when it came down to it we couldn't take these people home with us. We had to become CO-dependent upon God. When she would have a seizure we had to trust that God would bring her though it and protect her from harm. 

   
   

   AND HE DID.

   EVERYTIME !

   Our beautiful and glorious God brought her through it and our family too. 

   
   

   You see we had to have faith. To get faith we had to pray. We had to read Gods Word ( Bible) and pray and believe. What did God say about healing. What if it didn't happen? What if it never happens? We couldn't think this way or she would never make progress. 

   
   

   She had allergic reactions to the medication. The medication at one time made her seizures worse. Then the emergency Diastat that we used to stop her seizures - also made her seizures worse. At some point we had to stop living in fear and take her off of it. 

   
   

   Im not saying not to listen to your Doctors but I am saying that if it isn't working you better have a cross and better know God as your savior. 

   At many times during this trial God is all we have had. We also stood together with God many times through many things. 

   Im so thankful for my husband who many times really has given us such a deep knowledge of the Word of God. I hope and pray he never loses that. It  could mean life or death to our family. I depend on this. 

   
   

   Pray for your broken(ess) today. Believe God will heal it. Sometimes the broken doesn't go away right away. Thats ok. That means God has some work left to do. We must stay connected to God though so that we have hope in that broken being fixed. This is the only way it will be fixed. 

   
   

   Find a quiet place to pray with out distractions. This is so important not only to be quiet.  Also so that you can hear what the Holy Spirit is telling you. Listen for that quiet, still voice in your thinking.  The more your relationship with the Heavenly Father grows the easier it becomes to hear. 

   
   

   This is a great page for some ideas on praying if you need some help how to get started. As time goes on it will get easier and easier. The more that you pray you can take a notebook or journal and pen. Date your prayers. You can go back and write thank you God on those prayers that have been answered.  

   https://www.ransomedheart.com/prayer/prayer-inner-healing

   
   

   Father God we come to you in this time of need and give you Thanksgiving. We praise Your Holy name. God we have some needs that we know you already know. God we need peace in our hearts that we have healing. For you tell us if we have needs that we can pray and ask You even though You already know what they are. This is the confidence that we have before you when we lay before you that is in Your will. And Father when we ask You in prayer we know that You hear us.  God we ask for healing our brokenness because God we know according to You will you have come to give life and give it abundantly and we praise you for this in Jesus name. Amen 

   
   

   
   

Happy Fathers Day

  Im reminded of Fathers Day.  This year just as hurtful as the year my dad passed away.  This world is just not my home.  I miss my daddy so much the pain hasn't completely gone away I don't think it ever will.  My dad was such a good man. He was honest, full of love, had patience beyond understanding, had Joy talking to people, was kind and gentle to everyone he met. Im not sure he ever met a stranger. I seldom saw him lose self -control.

I would like to wish my husband Allen and dad of our two girls Happy Fathers day also.

  I did want to wish all the Fathers out there Happy Fathers Day.

I do want to share this Fathers Day card with everyone though. Its really special because this Father is in Heaven and hopefully very soon we will see Him.

Fathers Love Letter
https://youtu.be/WYzr3JavFqM

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you.   Psalm 139:1 

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.   Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.   Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.   Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.   Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.   Acts 17:28 

For you are my offspring.    Acts 17:28 

I knew you even before you were conceived.   Jeremiah 1:4-5 

I chose you when I planned creation.  Ephesians 1:11-12 

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book.   Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live.   Acts 17:26 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.   Psalm 139:14 

I knit you together in your mother's womb.   Psalm 139:13 

And brought you forth on the day you were born.   Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.   John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love.  1 John 4:16 

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.   1 John 3:1 

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father.   1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.   Matthew 7:11 

For I am the perfect father.   Matthew 5:48 

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.   James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.   Matthew 6:31-33 

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.   Jeremiah 29:11 

Because I love you with an everlasting love.   Jeremiah 31:3 

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.  Psalm 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.   Zephaniah 3:17 

I will never stop doing good to you.   Jeremiah 32:40 

For you are my treasured possession.  Exodus 19:5 

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul.   Jeremiah 32:41 

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.   Jeremiah 33:3 

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.   Deuteronomy 4:29 

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.   Psalm 37:4 

For it is I who gave you those desires.   Philippians 2:13 

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine.   Ephesians 3:20 

For I am your greatest encourager.   2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.   2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you.   Psalm 34:18 

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart.   Isaiah 40:11 

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes.   Revelation 21:3-4 

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.   Revelation 21:3-4 

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.    John 17:23 

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.    John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.   Hebrews 1:3 

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you.    Romans 8:31 

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.    2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.    2 Corinthians 5:18-19 

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.   1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.    Romans 8:31-32 

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me.    1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.   Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.   Luke 15:7 

I have always been Father, and will always be Father.    Ephesians 3:14-15 

My question is…Will you be my child?     John 1:12-13 

I am waiting for you.    Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.
Almighty God

Survival of Trauma is not a coincidence

survivor guilt

• Word Origin 

noun, Psychiatry.

1.

feelings of guilt for having survived a catastrophe in which others died.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/survivor-guilt

  I think that when you talk with people or families who have had a loved one to survive such a trauma that there is a feeling of relief. Likewise, there also can be a tremendous feeling of guilt. There is always a feeling of wow why did I survive instead of that person? Why does one person live or certain people live and not others?

survivor guilt definition

A deep sense of guilt, combined often with feelings of numbness and loss of interest in life, felt by those who have survived some catastrophe. It was first noticed among survivors of the Holocaust. Survivors often feel that they did not do enough to save those who died or that they are unworthy relative to the perished.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/survivor-guilt

  This is apparent in mass disasters or major events of death. Plane crashes etc.  Most often you hear it termed as Survivors Guilt.  If allowed to manifest it can even turn into Survivor's Syndrome.

survivor syndrome

• Word Origin 

noun, Psychiatry.

1.

a characteristic group of symptoms, including recurrent images ofdeath, depression, persistent anxiety, and emotional numbness,occurring in survivors of disaster.

We certainly had a strange interpretation of this in that something very similar happened. We were overjoyed our child was alive. Bless God. God spared her and the agony of us not going through the worse possible outcome.  We didn't go through death.  We did however have another infant in the room next to us. That that family's baby suffered a severe reaction to the vaccines also.  Our daughters nurse told us about the baby next door. Same age, same clinic, everything.  

Imagine. I won't forget ever this picture of death in my mind.  We were happy with our broken baby.  How were we spared and the other family not?  I don't know but God does.  Our purpose at that very time was to remain walking in Faith. Praying. And believing.  

I won't forget moving to that room after spending probably hours in the emergency trauma room. Appropriately the room from Hell depending on how you look at it. Its where you should take the scripture of the eye of the needle very seriously.  https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+19%3A24-26&version=NASB

I remember getting to the room going through the admission sheet for our daughter and just being and living in a daze. She was sedated because of the seizures massive doses of seizure medication which we would learn later she would have a reaction to.  The nightmares seemed to never end. 

I remember the nurse telling us how she was so shocked that this never seems to happen but that night two babies in rooms next to one another. One baby went to be with God the other one stayed on this earth to serve God. 

At the time I just remember being numb.  We asked about the baby I believe the next day I can't tell you because I was numb. I was paralyzed. Im sure my husband and older daughter ( 5) were there but honestly I can't remember seeing them. 

it was my state of mind. ( Survivors Guilt ).  I was so thankful our baby is alive. So thankful to God that she has survived. I never thought of what lay ahead. It honestly didn't matter. As long as she is alive.  It wasn't necessary to me to think about the future events of this or outcome at all. She had passed death. 

We asked sometime I think the next day about the other infant.  The nurse told us that baby didn't make it. The baby had passed away. We were in such a fog of events that we didn't know. We didn't see any family next door we didn't hear anyone next door. It was silence. Deafening silence.  

I felt so horrible. That poor family. I began to think oh my God that could have been our Abigaile. I began to weep for the other family.  My heart. My heart was vulnerable to their hurt. Imagine this is how God feels for us. When we have trauma. Hurt.  He isn't without emotion. In fact when He works is when we are weak.  

We were finally released from the hospital.  Days, Weeks, months and now years have gone by.  

Why did we live ? Why did our daughter live? So she can serve God on this earth.  To give people Hope in God that God does heal.  

We stand on the word of God. This has been our family's scripture and our daughters healing scripture that we stood on. It is working #FAITH#LOVE#HOPE

Isaiah 53:5New American Standard Bible (NASB)

But He was [a]pierced through for our transgressions,

He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our [b]well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.

Prayer: Lord we come to you in time of sickness, wounded and in need. Lord we need healing in this land. But before we can heal the land we must heal the people. We will only have a well people when we start sowing into them healing. We sow into them love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. These Father are the gifts that you have bestowed and blessed us with. We can not win a war without love. Amen 

There is No Return to Pre-Trauma

sur·vi·vor

sərˈvīvər/

noun

1. a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.

   "the sole survivor of the massacre"

   • the remainder of a group of people or things.

This unfortunately is a crutch of the survivors.  Not just the one who is injured or has been afflicted by the actual trauma.

the Bible even gives recognition to this.  When Jason fought God and left with a limp.  https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2032:22-32

Jesus also wounded with the Crown of Thorns and His being crucified. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+19&version=NASB

There are certain things that you have to go back to that are just life such as jobs, and day to day routines.  If you have a loved one or a family member that has been injured some of these routines won't even be normal.

Its okay though. Also if you have family members or friends that don't understand why you don't have a routine. Tell them to be thankful that they don't have your trauma.  It is good for people to wish you well. It is good for people to give of their time etc but you can not live your life again ever like it was prior to the trauma.  We have tried and all that happened is that we ended up being more frustrated. At least for my position in the trauma being a mother and full time caregiver. All of our scheduled changed.

I tried to make it normal and really it messed it up even more. With a daughter who doesn't have a normal schedule and you can't schedule seizures, messed beds, throwing up or all the other side effects of trauma.

Dont get frustrated. Ask family members to help you. If you are the full time caregiver for your child ask friends and family or let your husband take care of the child a few times at least a few hours to help with the stress of being in demand as a caregiver. Being a caregiver is hard work. Its demanding and tiring. Many times there is no pay. If friends don't know what to do. Write a list of things that would be helpful to your family. When someone asks how they can help. Give them a copy of your list. You never know how much someone can bless you.  I believe more people would help if they had a list.
Examples: that would have been help to our family.
1. Money or gift cards
2. Premade meals
3. Gas cards
4. Time sitting with our daughter so my husband and I could have an hour or two just to think.
5. Date night
6. Restaurant gift cards
7. If there are siblings ( playdates w/other kids) I can't tell you the burden I have and the guilt of our older daughter not being able to have sleep overs , play w/other kids and to be able to have done more activities. Ask someone to pick up your child and just take them away from the madness .
8. Friends or family take the Husband or wife out for coffee or lunch. Its nice just to have another adult to talk with. But please don't mention the stress. Remember this family needs as much to feel normal as they can.
9. Love them and pray for them.
10.  Offer to clean their home, clean their car, mow their lawns.  Take out their trash.

Yes redundant as it may seem all of these things really matter to a family who has suffered a trauma. We are in this trauma for Thirteen long years. We have receive a gift of money, gift cards, and a realtor and a dear friend at church who sat with our kids while we celebrated the one and only wedding anniversary we have gotten to celebrate.

Matthew 11:28-30New American Standard Bible (NASB)

28 “Come to Me, all [a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is [b]easy and My burden is light.”

My Prayer: Lord please take this Yoke from satan that keeps beating us down.  Stop the misunderstandings, the feeling of offenses when we are tired.  We know that Your Word Lord is sharper than a two -edged sword.  We can do all things through You Lord who strengthens us. Amen

 

Suffering - an opportunity for self- transformation

suf·fer·ing

ˈsəf(ə)riNG/

noun

1. the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.

   
   

   "weapons that cause unnecessary suffering"

First, you must stop being in denial.  I was in denial this could be happening. I had a little baby and she looked normal . My mommy instinct said that something wasn't right. My skills from previously working in nursing also said that something was not right.

Your fist step is to say - something is wrong. Once you do this. You are accepting your Trauma but it also gives you a sense of power over your situation.  Try not to pursue self- blame but I will tell you. It will happen. It happened with me. At the the best it should be a chance to refocus spiritually. 

We should give up all of our false Gods during this time. Stop putting our focus on anything but God. We should worship God alone. 

You will feel suffering during this time. It is part of the trauma.  You must do what you can do for survival mode. We all suffered really for years. We still suffer. It was something out of our control all we were doing was damage control. 

Do things you know to keep your body focused. Read the Bible and for us to spend time together as a family was really important during this time. 

We spent a lot of time searching for those pastors who spoke on healing. We still praise and worshipped God through all of this.  

It isn't to say that we still have the amount of suffering. It is a different type of suffering and some things we deal with better than others. Some things my husband deals with better than I do and I rely on his strength when this happens. Some things I deal with better than he deals with and he relies on me when this happens. When both of us crash our daughter now 18 is a great source to help get us through. 

I think we are all tired and weary and need rest. We have relied on one another until we are all empty.  

We need God and God is Rest. 

Matthew 11:28-30New American Standard Bible (NASB)

28 “Come to Me, all [a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is [b]easy and My burden is light.”

My prayer: Father God I long for rest. I long for rest from this suffering in this life. Lord please bring us nearer to You. Lord refresh our eyes and our spirit and open our eyes to opportunities for rest. God may we bless those who offer those opportunities to us. May we use them well.  Amen 

Trauma in families

trau·ma

ˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/

noun

1.  

   a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

   "a personal trauma like the death of a child"
2.  

   MEDICINE

   physical injury.

Trauma has been mentioned from the murder of Abel to the crucifixion of Jesus on the cross.

When we were initially going through this trauma I remember early on a day our daughter was having so many seizures. She was seizing so uncontrollably that I didn't know if I had slept, ate, went to the bathroom. I couldn't tell you what I did. 

What I remember is seeing my lifeless baby seizing again, grey and pasty looking all wrinkled up on the sheets. I remember weeping so hard. Just to write this breaks my heart. That trauma has never gone away.  To see my child hurting, not knowing if she was hurting. Just to see her little body and not knowing if she would be okay.  It really broke me. My husband at work. I prayed so much just for the hell of all this torment to be over. I wanted my normal family back again.  

Ill never forget feeling beside the bed and just asking God to please stop this nightmare over and over. I don't even know what our three year old remembers of this.  

My husband at work. I felt so alone. So hurt. I remember wondering. How did Abraham feel when he was asked to sacrifice Isaac? I couldn't bear the pain. Was this what God was asking of me? No. 

In fact from the very beginning God has always put on my heart that Abigaile is healed. So I felt in the back of my mind Abigaile is healed. Allen and I talked that God will use all these modalities to help heal her flesh. We tried medications to which she had major reactions. We felt helpless in this until we learned she was having allergic reactions to things in the medications . Then when it was time to start her on foods. She also had reactions to foods or some of the ingredients. 

We were walking in faith. God was always first. We prayed as individuals, as family and as needed. 

Abigaile didn't appear fixed yet. But Abigaile was doing well. 

God was working through us. We were happy when we weren't facing the trials in this trauma. 

And then when the trial was over we re-grouped with God and we kept walking, kept praying and kept believing.  

God Works through those of us who experience Trauma. Many times Allen and I have been able to talk with moms and dads and share our story. We both have a huge amount of issues that we have helped with. Allen was always telling people to contact me or call me. But really he has a very unique set of knowledge in his own area. 

He may not have always been in the medical support but I never doubted in that he couldn't care for Abigaile.  He had his own set of worries.  His position as provider was enough to be concerned. 

We have either done it, experienced it, or been able to point someone where they can get help for it. Isn't this being the hands and feet of Jesus?  

Isaiah 41:10New American Standard Bible (NASB)

‘Do not fear, for I am with you;  Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,

Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

My prayer:

Lord please strengthen us. Lord we ask that you remain the head of our families. That You raise up strong leaders of their homes. God please give the leaders and men of these homes strength in you. God may these families abide in you.