update for winter

  I wanted to update on where we are at for the winter. We have been doing a new treatment/ therapy for Abigaile near North Texas. We love this area and plan to hopefully find some land to be able to park the bus and spend some time. This location is pretty central to everyone and everything.

We found a great therapy/ treatment for Abi here that I believe she will do great with. We have only worked on this for one week and then everyone got sick. When I say everyone I mean other kids at the therapy, the conductor, and even our family. We normally don't get sick - maybe a cold from over stress or work but not really this sick. I can't wait to feel better again.

We are applying for some work here so that we can transfer work here as well. We have had work, then scheduled time off then more work.  I think this will be worth it though.

It is also time to head back West for Physiotherapy for Abi and hopefully some more hyperbarics. These are therapies NOT covered by traditional insurance. Sadly. These are treatments and therapies that have worked significantly in Abigail's treatment plan.

So today we have started working on applications for campgrounds and planning our routing.  Also places to stay.  We have made this trip many times. The first time was all hotels and a mini van.

I thought we would never get there and I can't tell you how difficult it is to take clothing, dishes and cookware and then to find hotels with a full kitchen to be able to cook for Abi.

So we have found a couple of places that are a good potential. Now we wait. It is a $500.00 deposit per month and we can only stay 3 months. We need at least through Spring 2017 so that we can do therapy, treatments and also to be able to do school and work.

I won't complain about Southern California winters.

This means we can come back to Texas in the Spring and start looking for a new home. We have waited a long time to get this all worked out. One day I will write a book.

I will update our Coles pages site as well. http://www.colespages.org/AbigailesStory/pages/visit
We do appreciate those who have donated funds for travel or therapy for Abigaile. These expenses are paid for out of pocket or from a medical trust. They are not covered by traditional insurance.

God bless you all and thank you for your continued prayers,

The Golec family

Update on Therapy

Well we finally made it to Texas. It was not without repercussion though. I will tell you Chevy Chase should be calling us to play the next Lampoons vacation.

It has been no vacation.

A vacation is where you can not cook, not clean, not do your day to day work or chores. I want a refund lol.

So we had Dr. Jerrys appointment in Florida. It was a good appointment for both girls and it is always nice to see Dr. Jerry and David.

I am not a huge fan of Orlando though . We spent a couple of days there and then left.

We ended up with a lot of repairs this time.

We had a flat tire when we got to Orlando.  For those interested in what we did while there. Well we stayed at the campground a KOA. We had a flat tire on the coach 1 mile from the service center.

We also had a leak in our water system.

We stayed 3 or 4 days in Orlando just because we were tired and waiting to get tire fixed.

We then took a few days off as Allen has some time off from work.

We start a new therapy in Texas that we are excited to start. I think Abigaile will really do well.  I'm excited for her. I'm excited to meet her new instructor.  We are starting Conductive Education. I hope to combine this with Montessori.

We were suppose to start this week but had some delays because of mechanical things that have cost a lot of money. Cost a lot of time. It is about buying a 15 year old coach that was in great shape but its time to do the maintenance.

We will be starting some of our book work after the first week of therapy for school.  We have gotten a great history lesson starting some of our history and geography in July.

We were suppose to be going to the West Coast for Physiotherapy for the winter and Im not sure we will even be able to do that. http://polfit.com/testimonials/patientblogs.html

We are still getting unpacked. Cleaning out the coach and making repairs. We are all finally getting our body clocks adjusted to the the many times zones.

You can find her here http://www.colespages.org/AbigailesStory/pages/visit Please sign our guest book there if you haven't. We don't have a lot of contact with friends or family so it is very lonesome where we are at. We could use some friends and family.

I am really thankful to be back in the South :) Hopefully we can meet some new friends here.

I hope to share more about our road trip on the Beachnest.

Please sign our guestbook.

Remind me tomorrow to tell you about my deer hunting adventure while driving into Texas. We have some damage and quite a bit of damage on the trailer. As you know the freezer is in the trailer for the special diet.

When it rains it pours. Im looking forward to the Holy Spirit raining down and not the problems of this world. I will take God any day.

In faith,
Paris 

Headed to home in Texas

This sure has been an eventful trip.  I can't wait to tell you all about it. We have so much to tell you.

Abigaile had a good visit with Dr. Jerry and we need to tweak and fine tune some areas.
We as a family will keep on keeping on.

So we start our new year in Texas.  We are still looking for housing and a place to stay.  We have a temporary place.  Our storage needs to be gone through.  We need to sell some things from storage.

We are looking for some land not too large but if someone knows of land in Texas (not in the desert ). I would be interested in knowing about it. It must be reasonably priced.  I am praying about this. Its very important for our family. Thank you for praying :)

I will update later here once we get back. Get unpacked. Upload all those pictures.
A lot of pictures!!!!!

I will also update the Beachnest.net.

Here I will update more of Abigail's progress. The Beachnest.net I will update the trip, our trials on this trip, where we stayed with photos and reviews, and of course, Food.

Many prayers go out to you all.

Please sign our guestbook and follow us. Our family really loves hearing from everyone.

( Don/t be shy )

lots of love,

Paris 

The end of this trip

So, our trip always eventful,

On the way here we stayed at 4 campsites.  We really stayed at good campsites and you can see our reviews of each on the website.

We had a good visit with Dr. Jerry always nice to see him and David.  We sure do miss the girls though.  I still expect to walk in the office and see Donna around the corner with Josh playing.

We got a good report from Dr. Jerry.  We have a lot of things to work on. We need to plump up little one just a bit.  This is always interesting. Going through those growth spurts and because our kids aren't getting growth hormones in their food - well our kids are normal and the growth charts are off.

Now its time to head back to Texas for some therapy and treatments. Its also time to start a new school year when we get there. I have lots of planning to do.

Thank you for praying for travel mercies for us.

We had a flat on the coach on the way here. We sat at a travel plaza over 4 hours and then came to the campground and had to move our trailer until 2 am went to bed at around 3. We literally have had no sleep while here.
Road service and Insurance both tried to mess us over . We just got it rectified today. We still don't have the correct tire on.
Im so thankful that God is still in control. The blessing is that it happen within a .5 mile of a service center. We were able to get someone to fix the tire and we had a place to go once it was fixed. Thank you Lord.

We were grateful to meet a CPA here that we can certainly gain some information from.

We also had a loss of meat in our freezer because of power outages in our campground in Arkansas.
We contacted the CSA to see if we could get meat before we left and then learned they had experienced a dust devil that knocked open some of their facility and were told we would be able to get a small package. Please be praying for them. They work hard to serve their coop.
We never hear back and then we had to leave for Dr. appt. - then the Blue Cut fire happened and so here we are.

I hope to have a lazy sort of trip planned for Texas from Florida .

We are heading back to Texas to do therapy and . I hope everyone on this coach dumps their phones, iPads, and computers. I need some serious family time with my best buds <3

with love,
Paris 

What a trip

Well this had certainly been an interesting trip.  We started planning this trip several months before we actually took this trip.

Who knew a trip for a Dr. appointment could be so interesting.

We planned the trip.

We planned the itinerary.

I planned food. I even made a week of pre-made meals for my girl.

We planned fuel stops.  We planned rest stops and campgrounds along the way.

It was almost too well planned.

The first couple of campgrounds were actually nightmares in that we had to unhook our vehicle and maneuver them onto lots that we were sold and didn't fit.

When we left we had little meat for our daughter.

The campground we were at in Arkansas lost power so many times because of a faulty box that all of her meat had spoiled. That and the excessive heat causing power outages. I had ordered the CSA on time for once and even did an extra order. The CSA was even having issues we found out at the last minute before we left.  They had a major dust devil storm.  Destroyed their freezer contents and other items. Please pray for them. This is awful.

I have cried with each and every package of spoiled chicken that I have opened because I only have about 5 more chickens to opened and Im pretty sure that with all the ones that are spoiled already that these will be spoiled as well. It breaks my heart.

We start towards Texas soon after the appointments that are here in Florida.  We had hoped to take a couple of days off in between therapy but it doesn't look like we will be doing that.

If I have to we may be making a 3000 mile journey across the US again to purchase meat. I really wish we had a contact out there that could help me with this.

We came into Florida and ended up with a huge chunk of tire peeling off on the coach and a motorist behind the coach getting my husbands attention to stop saying something about the back end of the coach.  We pulled over and he didn't initially see anything.  He went around again. I drove behind him for about a mile to thankfully the next roadside rest area with services. We ate dinner and the girls showered in the coach while we waited on road side service. And $900.00 later for a tire and service wow oh my gosh!!!!   There are many, many things to be thankful for thank you God for protecting us and keeping us safe from harm.

First, we had no clue about the tire. The tires were not worn or anything. It must have been some sort of defect.  We only bought the tires for the coach new 2 years ago.  They have sat on the coach for the past year though in the heat and sun.  Extreme heat.  This is not good.

Thank God for the man who got my husbands attention. I ask please for God to bless that man.  My babies were in the van with me in front of the bus which is why I didn't see all this. My husband radioed to me and we pulled over. Only by the grace and mercy of God did we not have a serious blow out. The tire never blew but it was not drivable. The entire treat shredded off the tire. It was getting ready to blow. If it had blown it would have blown the side of the wall off. Thank God it wasn't busy on the interstate. Thank God no one else was involved. No one was hurt. The coach was not damaged in any way. We are all safe thank God. Just thank God. Im also thankful for my husband who has the skill and knowledge on how to drive with this. He is amazing when it comes to driving this coach. He puts crazy hours in to fix things and never asks for anything in return. He works hard at work and then comes homes to spend countless hours trying to fix a coach that has a mind of its own. And then in his sweet little voice asks if he can finish dinner or washes dishes. He's a keeper for sure thank you God that you sent such an awesome man to me. I am thankful even though I don't always tell him. I am appreciative of what he does.

This price for these tires is insane. The labor for installing them they have not given us a receipt.

We got to the campground at our stop and was told we would have to split our equipment. Im really glad that I book this stuff in advance and take the time and effort that I do to plan.

We were told to take our trailer off and put it in front of coach, then told to put it behind the coach. We went to bed at 3 am.

We got up and got a phone call to move the trailer from the back to the front.

Then we were told we couldn't park our handicap van for our daughter on the same "handicap friendly" spot.  Well okay. Can you say this KOA bombs? We aren't new to this game. I have done several reviews on this campsite. They have not given me a good impression at all. I have never done a review for a campground prior to leaving.  They have just ruined our only day off and ruined our time here. We were asked by the manager what she could do to make this right and I told her nothing. There is nothing you can do to give me back the time or the time off with my family. We literally felt harassed by the workers the entire first day we were here.
I honestly can't wait to leave.

We just need to pray.  when junk happens in life. Just pray. When you feel like cussing someone. Pray. When you start saying that you see all other people as an issue . Pray. Pray for yourself to have the gifts of the spirit, and pray for others to have the gifts of the spirit. Life really is too short to not do this. Check out the www.Beachnest.net for updates on the rest of the trip and please sign our guestbook to say hi and that you were here. We would love to hear from those of you that we have stopped and talked with, prayed with and ministered to along the way.

Lord my prayer for this day: Please God Let us forgive and forget. All the junk of this world is not worth the people in our lives. Don't say your pray for them sarcastically, intentionally pray for them.

Blessings,
our family ( Allen, Paris, Natascha, and Abigaile ) 

Moving forward to the "Next Step"

We have not had an actual vacation in over twelve years. No time off. 

Someone please send us on a vacation- I'm tired of being an adult. 

We will be trying a new therapy in September this year and are very excited about it.  In the

meantime we have lab work and a Dr. appt. with Dr. Jerry to get out of the way first.  

What this involves is finding a "clean lab" not a hospital to get labs and a trip to either Florida or California to see the Doc.  

( This expense involves travel - fuel for coach and accessible van, a campground to park while in Florida or California for Dr. appt. and fuel to the next therapy)

We start a new therapy in September. This is exciting. I actually researched conductive education early on. In 2010 there was only one facility in Miami which wasn't financially possible at the time.  

Im praying one day for the house and the coach. Right now this is simplifying our lives I hope and we can save some funds as well as work on our relationships with one another. I hope to grow closer this way. God knows His plan for us He says we will prosper in all things ( Her. 29:11)

 ** Septembers therapy is in Texas. We will need fuel for coach and van as well as a campground while we are there for the month doing therapy. We need to be near the Lewisville, Grapevine or Carrolton, Denton areas.  God already knows this and He has it covered !  Provision. God is a God of provision in all things. Family, friends, food, housing, everything! Joy, Peace, Kindness, Meekness. Yes thats our God! 

We have a 2000 LX Bluebird wander lodge  coach http://beachnest.net 







 .  

We had hoped to then head to the west coast to do Physiotherapy at Polfit Wellness http://www.polfit.com/ourstory.html  if you look on the Testimonials page there is our Abigaile.  We had planned to do this in October.  I just don't see this right now. 

Hopefully one day I can devote more time to this blog and to our websites so that I can share photos and videos with you. 

With God all things are possible to those who believe in HIM ( God). 

Im so thankful to God that He has made all these things possible. Im thankful for a willing spouse who supports our family, me and our children. He has taken so much time off from work I hope and pray he never feels inadequate. He has been such a huge blessing in my life and I couldn't have asked for anyone who could be more perfect. Im so thankful he is my life partner. 

No things aren't always easy and they aren't going to be either. But its good to know that I have someone so supportive and loving like Allen is. I really feel like I haven't given him enough credit and don't give him enough credit. Im really asking God how I can do this. It must be a priority though I know that. 

I think taking some time off from all of this and just being a family would help. I also think to simplify our lives and getting back to basics would really help. I wish I could just really re-write the things that have happened. 

We are wrapping things up here and are praying for extra work in Texas while doing therapy, funds to get coach in order ( air conditioner that went out, batteries (6 of them) and our awning broke). We will also be praying for a place to stay in Texas while we do therapy. We are also praying for Abi to do well with this new therapy and for us to see progress. Progress is - not everyone sees the same results).  

I honestly will just be thankful to leave this place. I love the state it is my home state. I am just ready to move forward and to get this little girl working again and on the road to recovery. Im praying most of all for recovery of our family. Therapy, jobs, and all the day to day stress is hard work on all of us. 

We were all affected by this trauma but I know God is getting us through it. He has blessed our family in many ways and for that I am thankful. 

blessings to you all,

Paris xoxo

Where Feet May Fall

God

 I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When the oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine.

Strand Beach at Headlands

Dana Point, California 

I wanted to write and update everyone on "Its that time to leave again".  Just so there are no false 

gossips out there.  It isn't that it really matters to me. 

I will write more tomorrow.   I wanted to change our page : ) 

Just a quick note .....

     I will write more later- can't wait to share with you what blessings have been going on in our lives. We are going to be doing therapy this year on the East coast for many reasons. We are currently here and we will not have funds to go back to Southern California to do therapy.

     We have not done well with fund raising and therapy is not covered by insurance. The travel expense of hotels, fuel, food while traveling is expensive.  

    We have seen so many incredible milestones with Abigaile during traveling and therapy.  This year since August we have got to experience the East coast. She has really excelled. She is so much more talkative and more active. 

    This has become a rehabbing lifestyle and it is tough at times but we have God and we know God will provide. 

   Please follow us on Gofundme and our Coles page.  

God bless you for your thoughts and prayers and we thank you should God put it on on your heart to give as well. 

Please share our sites with your friends and families..... 

much love xoxoxo

http://www.colespages.org/AbigailesStory

Instead of a new pair of shoes

  Well its not a prince fitting this show but it is my Cinderella.  

  Its funny how things happen and when you hear this story you will understand.  So in the midst of moving and packing we went for fitting of our sweet girls orthotic levelizers.

  We have been looking for a bus for a couple of years ( well actually more).  While looking we realized if we went over a certain length we would have to have a DOT physical. So while looking we found this great new Chiropractors office and I saw levelizers. So we set up a time with Dr Scott to get xrays and fitted. I am so thankful I did!

  I just knew somehow this would work. So today we took Abi for her levelizers and her feet are already correcting !  

  I want some!  Great things and many miracles with my little sweet pea.

Okay ... Back to moving.

Just another day in Paradise ( just not of the Heaven variety )

  Just wanted to update before I get caught up and busy and no time to write.  It is time to move again.

Hey listen if you need a house sold- we are your family. I don't know what it is but every time for the past three houses that we have lived in.  The house is sold.  At this point Im ready to just tell people pay for our storage and we will sell your house.

  We have decided to pursue other interests.

We have decided to become bus nuts : )  What is that did you say?  Well it means that we are fed up
with the hotels and trying to maintain a safe environment for our daughter and taking matters into our own hands.  We have decided to make a trek across the country where they have lots of busses and to go looking for one.

Our lease is up soon and they owner wishes to not renew not even a couple of months as he doesn't want to get stuck in the lease. I really just refuse to lease another house. So off we go to storage. Hopefully we can sell some items ( like lots of items) .

We have been waiting on some things before we can do this.  We had our van in the shop twice now because of two different accidents on the same day. We also have been waiting on meat from the farm we have been purchasing from in S. California.  All of this has really put us in a very bad position as we can't have meat shipped through mail forwarding and we can't trust sending it to a hotel unless we are already there and can put it in our freezer.

We are also believing God for funds for Abi.s treatments and therapies for this year.  We will be heading back to S. California in the fall if we can secure enough funds.  We have had many issues because of Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Disorder and staying in rentals, hotels etc. the latex and chemical issues have ended us at ER more than once. We would like to be able to buy a motor coach type bus and renovate for Abi. This would be a safe and contained environment for her so that we are not over -exposing her to unnecessary chemicals.  Here is her Gofundme.com page please visit it- and if God leads to you give we will pray for you and if God leads you to pray for her or for our family we will pray for you as well. God bless you and thank you http://www.gofundme.com/7oo90k

So many things to be said about this passover and this moon. I believe it speaks volumes. 

Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaaih 40:31 NAS 

Cauterize the Flesh ...

  Dear God,

     Why do we have to endure such pain and agony?  I don't understand.  I see my child struggle and 

try so hard.  I see the unconditional love in her eyes. She is so trusting, so happy, and so genuine. 

     

She makes me Happy, she makes me Sad,  she tries my Patience,  and one 

thing that she always does, is she gives me unconditional LOVE .

She was wonderfully made in the image of God in His Love, His Wisdom, His Faith

Grace, Mercy........

  I don't know or understand why God allows somethings to happen. I have had so many 

people to ask how can God do this?  I don't believe that God did this.  Man did this.

The outright greediness of man.  It was not a misfortune, nor was it genetic.  It was 

greed.  The very people who defend this happening are no different than the

Perpetrators that have allowed it to happen.  Please, please do your research and 

due diligence when you vaccinate your children.  I have repented giving these shots 

so many times to our daughter. 

God please cauterize my FLESH 

( cauterize is to burn or freeze the flesh around a wound, usually to close off or clean the wound.)

Take my burdens from me, take this yoke 

it is heavy Lord.

 "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.  "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  Matthew 11:29-30.

You see my family and I are not strangers to misfortune.  It happened the day that my 

husband and I said " I do" to God.  We were married in a small glass chapel in Arkansas .

We decided to not have just a traditional ceremony.  We had a second ceremony as well. 

This second ceremony was our marriage and we were married to do the work of God. 

God has held us to this. We may not always understand ( and we don't) why we go

through some of the things we do.  It is so God can shine. It is so that people see that we 

have more than ourselves to depend on, trust and follow.  

  I just can't tell you, explain to you what we have gone through.  I don't think anyone

see's it.  I think that many just are grateful it isn't happening to them.  

  The worst is seeing your child. A child so precious and full of love and she has endured 

so much.  I have watched this baby from the time she was born to now.  Let me show you 

show you some of her miles stones. 

• 2003 my sweet pea was born ( normal pregnancy, no complications healthy baby).
• 2004 after vaccines - seizures within 24 hours. 
• Her body swelled so badly that her skin was full of fluids the back of her neck would profusely drip water because of the fluids, the toxins coming out of her brain.
• She was still trying to make milestones but because of the hundreds of seizures per day she couldn't even function. We couldn't function. We had no help. No family help. No friends help. No church help (yes we were members at several churches over these years). 
• I saw her fall, I saw therapist who would drop her because of the seizures.
• I saw her struggle to eat. 
• I would give her seizure medicine only to see her pass out or seizure worse. We later found out she was allergic to the seizure meds. Yes the only one approved for children her age.  
• 2004-2009 we spent all of our savings, retirement and sold almost everything we had to try and keep our home. We spent all of our money to travel to different children's hospitals to find out what happened with our child. What we found is that there was nothing Genetic, there was nothing Chromosomal wrong. We found Doctors who would take our money and tell us they didn't know what to do. We kept pressing on. 
• 2005 we found out that our daughter had a adverse reaction to her vaccines. We didn't believe in suing. We had a decision to make and so that our case would be logged into a data base for vaccine injured children.  
• By this time we had almost lost everything but we were still handing on to our family and to our child. Nothing else really mattered. 
• We reported on the VAERS voluntary reporting system. 
• I have never felt so alone and abandoned in my entire life.  I know and my family knows that through all of this. God was always there. He is always here and He is always near. 
• We spent until 2010 that this was kept in the court system.  We did win our case. We sold our house for what we owed on it, lost our car
• 2010 we could no longer get home therapy or adequate treatments for our daughter. We sold our house, sold what we could and gave the rest away. 
• We went to California with 1 truck of our necessities so that we could do treatments and therapy for our daughter. I can't tell you the progress she made there. It was amazing. I have seen this little girl thrive and thrive and thrive. It is GOD>>>>>> my husband was employed with a company in NW Arkansas - we took the family medical leave act.  After the three month leave, he no longer had a job. So we were jobless and seeing our daughter THRIVE.... 
• 2013 we started getting low of funds. There are few funds left and we have to be good stewards of what we have left. We had to move on as we could not afford to live in California, we could not get a job, and so it was time to move on.
• We came to HERE, the desert.  Again.  But God we have been to the desert before. Many times. Its when God wants our attention. We need quiet without interference. With out complaint.  

The reason for my post is that today I needed my heart transformed.  I needed a renewal 

of my mind and my spirit.  I heard children outside laughing, playing, little girls with 

their squealing... it was a Birthday party. My Abi had Birthday parties years ago when 

she was a baby and I would have the girls Birthday parties together because there were 

siblings who would come along and play.  However, this no longer happens.  I watched my

Abi's face as she could hear the children. Her sweet little eyes, piercing blue looks so 

innocent , trusting and beautiful.  She sort of grunts and makes inflections of sounds and 

tones - I could tell she was wanting to know what was happening. She smiles, goes on 

about her way of playing and I ask the daddy to take her out to her Amtryke bike.  They 

go riding down the street. He is pushing her along with the big handle on the back - she 

puts her little feet in the stirrups of the pedals and rides off. 

  I sat here and listened to the children with my heart breaking- just like it does so many 

times. I know my child is loved, she is loved unconditionally.  She is given so much love 

because we have nothing else to give her. You see she can't get caught up with iPhones,

stereos, TV, or anything else of this world. She doesn't care about clothes, her hair or 

where she is going to go. She knows when she has a seizure, when she see's other kids 

playing, laughing and running she says, "Bye His Stripes I'm Healed". Isaiah 53:5 is a verse

that we taught her very earlier on.  God I need to be cauterized.  Please cauterize my heart.  

  We have not had to do without.  We have not gone hungry.  We have not been homeless. 

I thank God and I praise God and His Holy name for this.  

  So in a short time, the landlord in the home we currently live in wants to sell. Again, we are looking for a home.  Except our home is not here. We are merely passing through this place.  I have never complained about my child I love this child more than anything. She brings light to so much darkness. Its so difficult to see how people judge her ability.  Its difficult as a parent to see a child not be able to enjoy Birthdays, family, friends because that child can not do what other children can by being mobile.  

  I like to think not everyone is so cruel, so callous.  I know this home, this Earth is temporary and I thank God for that. I will believe that until this Earth exists no more and the Messiah comes for His Bride (for us) we will wait on the Messiah....

I will leave you with this.... my Princess who has taught me much in trusting only in God! 

Thank you and God bless you to those of you who have given to our fundraising efforts.  Our efforts are currently focused on finding our next home and to move on.  

Here is what God tells me ... He has told me that Abi is Healed I believe His Word He does not lie !  
He has also told me this and therefore I do not rely on others of this world 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Much love to you all 
I will not fear ( fear is faith contaminated)